April 15, 2009
Only Fools and… Manx Cats??
Following on from our EXCLUSIVE World At War radio clip, our mole at the BBC has managed to dig up yet another fantastic piece of unused Beebrobilia - namely the never-before-heard theme to the axed 1994 Only Fools and Horses Easter special.
The special, entitled A MANX ODYSSEY, was to see the gruesome threesome (revise? - Ed.) descend upon the peaceful Isle of Man and wreak their usual brand of adorably slapstick havoc upon the island and its inhabitants. Locations lined up included the living museum village Cregneash, the Calf of Man (wherein Uncle Albert would accidentally steal a seal cub and invoke the wrath of hundreds of furious seals) and Tynwald Hill, where Rodney was to become the next Chief Minister via a hilarious sequence of events involving him walking down Gravity Hill backwards.
Unfortunately for the BBC, the Manx Tourism department nixed the script entirely, alleging that it portrayed the island as “a grim shithole”, and its inhabitants as “backwards, straw-chewing country bumpkins who like to do the naughty with their brothers and sisters and eat kippers for every meal”. It was put to bed at the very last minute, just hours before it was to be announced to the press, and was quietly filed on a shelf in a giant DO NOT TOUCH warehouse somewhere near Wood Green.
And so onto our scoop - the very special re-written version of the closing theme which had been hastily knocked together by John Sullivan to illustrate the humorous and slightly mocking nature of the episode. Listener warning - your ears may not thank you afterwards.
Lyrics:
We’ve got some tall hills, bike skills, Castletown and quid bills
Independent parliament, hundred thousand kippers killed
Cregneash, crap beach, hotels to which punters rush
Lifeboats down the promenade, pervy bloke behind a bush
Bush bush bush bush bush bush bush
No tails on cats, no monarchy
No sunny days, that’s guaranteed
Fairy Bridge, say hello
Dodge your taxes, here we goooooooo….
Long live the Isle of Man
Viva the Isle of Man
God bless the Isle of Man
Ta graih aym ort, the Isle of Man
I love you, the Isle of Man
Or Ellan Vannin
Whatever it’s called…
(Disclaimer - none of this is actually real and all of the above comments are fictional and have no bearing on my opinion nor of that of any member of BBC staff or anything like that so don’t kick off, it’s a joooooke)
December 16, 2008
By the way…
A quickie to say the new version of Wordpress looks laaahvley.
Further hilarity is to come.
December 13, 2008
Comedy Uncovered - Sam Stoddard
This is the first in what may or may not be a long line of articles about underrated and unknown standup comedians. And for my first venture into the world of writing aimlessly about a comedian, who better to focus upon than the much-maligned East Lancs-based joke merchant, Sam Stoddard?
December 12, 2008
I’d like that….
…if we could cycle down some lane. Yes.
I really truly have found my old obsession with them. I wouldn’t be so bothered except that there’s so much other stuff I’d rather like to listen to but I find myself unable to pull away from the glorious hold Messrs. Partridge and Moulding have on my ears of late.
If you say you like interesting music, and poppy music, and music that gives you a permanent grin because it’s so damn twisty and beguiling, and you haven’t yet given XTC more than a cursory glance with your ears… get to it. Really. You’ll be glad you did.
This was an unprovoked plug for the band XTC, who were amazing and all that crap. I am not affiliated with the band. Just saying. I mean, you’d think I was trying to get in with them, the amount I go on about how great their music is. Shut up, Ben.
December 11, 2008
Rook, Rook, read from your book…
What to write about? I’m depressingly bored at work and should probably be making up jobs for me to do (”Yeah, uh, I’ll just sweep the floor. Yes, I know we have a cleaner. I’m fussy.”) but it’s very nearly Friday, and so my enthusiasm for work and its many joys has waned just a tiny bit. I’m about this far away from deciding what I’d like to record next; something in the hilarious fake radio broadcast/instructional cassette vein, I think. I’m going to start putting older stuff on here when I a) find the time and b) find the files, because hell, I’ve done at least one or two bits of stuff that I find amusing, at least.
The title? Why it’s an XTC lyric. It popped into my head as I was beavering away on an email to a conference telling them they should’ve really sent their extremely time-limiting letter earlier than one day before what they wanted from us was due in. Fuck knows why. I’m fairly sure I’ll be deep down and comfortable back in my past obsession with the group soon enough. I sort-of got sick of them, a little bit, after obsessively listening to everything I could find by them over the summer. But, as with many things, now I’ve taken a step back and had a little breather, I feel I can go back in and make another go of things, if you catch my meaning. I’m fully aware I’ve used the word “things” at least twice, though now of course thrice, though obviously that last time ’round didn’t count for shit. But yes, the fact that I’ve got to explain my love for their album “Skylarking” to Clare Grogan on Saturday on 6music (in the “All Killer, No Filler” feature, fact fans) has meant I’ve had to listen to the whole thing a few times in one go, and has reawakened my love for their music.
So. I know that nobody reads this, and perhaps that’s with good reason. But I rather do enjoy writing this bumph. That is all.
December 9, 2008
Ach, mein Augen.
Today was my umpteenth visit to the Ophthalmology department at Liverpool Royal University Hospital. And of course, as per usual, I waited a stupid length of time (due to their new, ‘more efficient’ appointment system, apparently) only to be told “well your eye looks no better but if it’s not sore then, uh, try these drops”. I’m used to this.
Scleritis, episcleritis, the mange; whatever it is that is afflicting me so is a bit of a bugger to shift. Hopefully this latest course of steroid eye drops will fix it and won’t land me with an acute angle-closure glaucoma (apparently a rare side-effect of such drops). I think my right eye just hates me, to be honest.
(by the way, to whoever actually reads this - probably nobody - I’ve almost finished my pointless diatribe about XTC’s “Oranges and Lemons”, which should be fun to pick apart if nothing else)
December 3, 2008
Oh! Did you wake me??
I do believe I should be putting more effort into the upkeep of this place. Not that any fucker ever visits, you understand, but it’ll make me feel better, I suppose.
August 31, 2008
Would anybody be willing to donate…
…a copy of the entire Fuzzy Warbles box set to me? As some sort of belated birthday present, perhaps? Or maybe I’ll just leave it until Christmas and then gorge myself on Andy Partridge’s lovely sounds. I think I am seriously obsessed.
August 30, 2008
Yerse is Proud to Present…
The World At War?
adapted for radio by Raymond Allen
It was 1978 when BBC Radio 4 commissioned the then-hot comedy writer, Raymond Allen (of “Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em” fame) to adapt the hugely successful Thames TV series “The World At War” for the airwaves. Their reasoning for this decision has, sadly, been lost, along with most of the tapes, making any audio of the short-lived adaptation into aural gold dust.
And therefore last year, when an aspiring and youthful trainee BBC archivist somehow managed to dig up some excerpts from deep in the Radio 4 vaults, their seniors and programme commissioners alike leaped at the chance to broadcast what is regarded by many as the holy grail of 1970s radio. Unfortunately, following a lot of red tape and fucking about on behalf of various executives (who will not be named here, for obvious reasons) the excerpts were never aired.
Until now. That’s right kids. For your listening pleasure, hot out of the left trouser pocket of one of our BBC moles, Yerse is proud to present…. THE WORLD AT WAR?
Credits:
Scriptwriter - Raymond Allen
Junior Scriptwriter - Stephen Tansey
Narrator and all other voices - Benjamin Wissett
Producer - Alan Smithee
“THE WORLD AT WAR?” was a BBC Radio 4 production on behalf of Thames Audio Productions